New Year's Thoughts

Usually New Year’s Eve is not that important to me. In term of holiday importance (besides a day off work), in the past it has ranked about up there with Valentine’s Day. After all, it is sort of a superficial division. I mean, there is tomorrow and then tomorrow and then tomorrow. Sometimes it is a good excuse to party, but usually I just feel sort of bewildered.Why is everyone so excited?

But this year it feels important. It feels momentous. It’s the beginning of something, this New Year’s Eve. The beginning of an important year for me. As midnight approaches there is a solid tightness deep in me, between my breasts. What is this building feeling? When did I become conscious of it?

It feels important. It feels scary. And I feel ready. I think maybe it’s just plain old excitement. For a while I’ve been in a holding pattern, planning and waiting, and will be for a bit longer. But I can see what’s ahead, and I can’t wait. Just a little longer, and I’ll be in the thick of it. We’ve been in Minnesota for six years. In six months, we’ll be gone, but we don’t even know to where yet.

So I sit here with this ache in my throat. Today I wrote thank you letters. I must be feeling sentimental. I wrote one to my parents, thanking them for everything. It seems important to say it, right now. It is that sort of day. I’ve been doing, without the prompting of the holiday, all the things that one is supposed to do on New Year’s Eve. Look ahead, look back. Give thanks and plan for the future. Make resolutions, and praise myself for meeting personal goals.

I really started to like myself this year. Or rather, I think I’ve always liked myself, but I started to be proud of myself. To see who I am and what I do as worthy of pride. It’s like climbing out of a hole and looking at myself in the daylight and saying, hey, you’re not so bad. You clean up pretty good. I wish I could see like this all the time. I’m tired of being a bundle of insecurities. Can I shed it like an old skin? How does one go about systematically demolishing one’s insecurities?

It’s seven o’clock on New Year’s Eve. This coming year will be a lot of “lasts” as well as a lot of “firsts.” Something big will happen this year; however, it is very unlikely that anything will happen tonight. Despite this overwhelming feeling, I think this night will most likely pass as quietly as any average night on Big Toad Lake. Our last New Year’s here.