In Limbo About Limbo

Today, in a stunning move by the Catholic Church, Limbo was abolished. The Pope informed the public that there would no longer be a Limbo, that popular eternal resting place between heaven and h-e-double hockey sticks. While Heaven and Hell are reserved for the good and evil, respectively, Limbo traditionally is home to those who do not seem to deserve hell, but can’t get into heaven either: those born before Jesus’ resurrection, unbaptized babies, and the like.

Martha Jones, a Catholic resident of Baltimore, was shocked and appalled. “What’s going to happen to all those unbaptized babies now?” she sobbed. “Where will the refugees from Limbo go?” The Church has responded to these concerns, voiced by many, by stating that all current residents of Limbo will receive an upgrade to Heaven. “After all,” said a Catholic Church spokesperson, “they’ve been in Limbo long enough. It’s not really fair for them to keep paying for something that was not their fault.”

Critics have questioned this move, stating that the Pope has no authority to actually change the fabric of the universe. “This is not a question of politics. It’s not like reversing the Church’s stance on birth control,” stated Petula Smithers, president of PAPAL, Parents Allied to Prevent the Abolishment of Limbo. “Next they’ll be saying that they’re going to abolish Hell because no one is inherently evil, it’s all a matter of upbringing. For hundreds of years, they’ve said Limbo exists. Now, because they want a kinder, friendlier God to attract constituents, suddenly Limbo doesn’t exist? Would that I could shape my world and my God to fit my marketing concepts.”

**Author’s note: The Pope has not abolished Limbo, although the Church has apparently considering doing so for a while now. Said Author was overcome with mirth and a deep sense of irony when she discovered this. Here’s a link to NPR’s recent article about the issue. It was just too good to pass up.