Tales of a Newly Born Insomniac
I always thought it would be cool to be an insomniac. Just think of all that time that normal folk spend sleeping, and how much stuff you could do! Of course, this from the perspective of someone who, if left to fall into my own sleeping pattern, sleeps a solid 7 hours from about 2 am until 9ish. I also (used to) have the ability to announce at just about any time of night, "I'm going to bed now," at which point I would go in the bedroom, lie down, and go to sleep.
Not so anymore! The trite phrase that pops into my head as I'm tossing and turning all night: "Be careful what you wish for." All those folks out there who (like me, formerly) think that it would be great to have more time in the middle of the night to read, write, whatever... you are wrong!
Insomnia sucks. Here's the thing: It never occured to me that, as I'm laying there, unable to sleep, I would be so dog tired that I wouldn't have the energy or brain power to do anything besides lay there and blink my burning eyes in the dark and flip from side to side in search of the magic sleeping position. Insomnia is a torturous state in which one wants to sleep so bad that tears actually come to your eyes. It recalls the frustration of being a small child, not in control of your own destiny, forced to go to an adult gathering for hours, until you wail with the sheer frustration and exhaustion of it all. Sleep is tantalizing, just out of reach, and it seems like even your cozy pillow is taunting you.
But the wierdest part of insomnia occurs not at night, but during the day. The exhaustion and sleepless state experienced at night persist throughout the day, lending everything a surreal glow. I walk around in a little bubble, like I'm moving through the world instead of in it. When I talk to people the words seem to come from far away, from the back of my head (the id, people) straight out of my mouth, without passing through any of the usual censors. Hmmm. If I wasn't so damned tired, I'm pretty sure this would do really cool things to my writing.
Not so anymore! The trite phrase that pops into my head as I'm tossing and turning all night: "Be careful what you wish for." All those folks out there who (like me, formerly) think that it would be great to have more time in the middle of the night to read, write, whatever... you are wrong!
Insomnia sucks. Here's the thing: It never occured to me that, as I'm laying there, unable to sleep, I would be so dog tired that I wouldn't have the energy or brain power to do anything besides lay there and blink my burning eyes in the dark and flip from side to side in search of the magic sleeping position. Insomnia is a torturous state in which one wants to sleep so bad that tears actually come to your eyes. It recalls the frustration of being a small child, not in control of your own destiny, forced to go to an adult gathering for hours, until you wail with the sheer frustration and exhaustion of it all. Sleep is tantalizing, just out of reach, and it seems like even your cozy pillow is taunting you.
But the wierdest part of insomnia occurs not at night, but during the day. The exhaustion and sleepless state experienced at night persist throughout the day, lending everything a surreal glow. I walk around in a little bubble, like I'm moving through the world instead of in it. When I talk to people the words seem to come from far away, from the back of my head (the id, people) straight out of my mouth, without passing through any of the usual censors. Hmmm. If I wasn't so damned tired, I'm pretty sure this would do really cool things to my writing.
posted by erin | 7:33 AM
4 Comments:
Ugh. Erin, that sucks.
I recommend brandy and a big book of literary criticism. When I was doing my insomnia thing a few months ago, that was the magic combination; by 4 AM, I was usually asleep. I always worried a little about becoming an alcoholic, though.
hmmm... hot toddy. I'll have to give it a shot. alcoholic, schmalcoholic!
My sleep schedule has been weird lately too (although not to that extent). I definitely second the alcohol recommendation. The only times I 've slept soundly this semester is when I've had a significant amount of alcohol in my system. A hang over is probably better than that weird dreamlike state insomnia brings.
I've been having a little trouble sleeping at night lately, too. I'm still at the loving the extra creative time stage, but I sense this going to catch up to me.
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